The time you planned for your return has been delayed again and again.
Two years ago, as you were leaving Toronto, you said you would return that autumn. The freezing temperatures and snow seemed to hold you back from returning since you have already experienced them a few times in Toronto. In a blink of an eye, this New Year’s Day had passed, and we have booked your ticket through Air Canada to fly here mid-March. My children and I then eagerly awaited for your return. Little did we know that a pandemic would block your return.
I miss you.
Now you have been confined to your apartment in Beijing and forced to live a quarantined life. I know you are the type of person who loves to go out for a stroll and spend an hour or two walking. Thus, I can really understand how hard this quarantine must have been for you. As my thoughts linger, I decided to entrust everything to our Father in Heaven so I am able to find peace and rest again.
At this very moment, are you sitting at your desk, wearing your reading glasses, and reading the Bible or singing hymns? Surely you are. For countless times you have read through and pondered upon that wrinkled Bible written in traditional Chinese which you hold in your hands. When I saw your detailed notes, I often teased you and said that you are as serious about taking notes as an elementary student. You would often smile humbly and reply: “Even if I write them down, I still cannot remember.” You are indeed humble! Afterwards, I was shocked when I discovered that not only did you memorize the text of the Bible, you even remembered the order of the books and chapters within the Bible, and also the verses that appear in multiple chapters.
The room where you used to live would be full of sunshine during winter. You would use your “off pitch” voice to sing, it would fill our entire house, and I would be so immersed in your voice… I would also see you sitting quietly in front of the table, peacefully…
“Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” (Mt 18:19-20)
Recently, I began to love singing hymns. After dinner, I would open my hymn book, sing a few hymns, or try to figure out the melody on the piano. Oftentimes, that scene of you singing hymns would flow into my mind. Now when I sing at night, it would be daytime for you on the other side of the globe, and very likely, you would also be singing hymns at the same time. The verse above says that if two gather and pray in the Lord’s name, it will be done for them. May the Lord have compassion and mercy on everyone so that those who seek health and peace can receive them and those who seek reunion can also find it.
Oh, how I wish to return to the old times and to be that little girl whom you dearly loved! All my efforts were for your praise, and over these decades, you would bring up all the interesting yet simple events numerous times from my childhood. You would always be so immersed in telling these stories, giving them a lot of details, and with every story, your love for your daughter grew deeper and deeper.
After taking up the role of being a mother myself, some of my children’s careless words would take my thoughts back a few decades to a similar setting where the only difference was the role I played. The young girl who would ask questions then now had the appearance of a middle-aged woman, as if time itself was a makeup artist. All these memories led me to realize how full of wisdom my mother was.
When I was flustered and did not know what to do, your words of “When a melon ripens, it falls off its vine” comforted me immediately. When I was inspired to do something, your words of “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful” (1Cor 10:23) would make my decision for me. When I think of the times just after my two children were born, I remember how they both seemed so fragile that I did not even dare to bathe them nor change their clothes, and yet you did all these in place of me. All the delicacies that came from the kitchen stove: fish broth, chicken broth, and pork hock—they were all your cooking filled with love.
In my mind there is often this scene: I would be holding my newborn baby who has just woken up and we would be coming down the stairs into the living room. You would hear the sound and come to us from the kitchen with a spatula still in your hand. Under the dim light, you would fix your eyes on the baby and say with a smile on your face: “Oh baby you are awake now…” while the room filled with the sweet aroma of food and feelings of contentment…
Even as a child born into a Christian family, you had been lost in faith for decades because of the restrictions and changes within the society. It was only after you had retired that you had the chance to return to church and to serve God with godliness. It was because of you that I had the chance to seek and believe in the True God. I also brought my children to draw close to Him so we can all learn not only to cherish this life we have now, but much more the eternal life that is to come.
Therefore, I must wait patiently. Until the winds and storms cease; until spring comes and flowers bloom. There will be no more excuses and there will be no more delay for I will certainly bring you back. I will see you every day, and listen to the words you speak and the hymns you sing. You will be free to go out and enjoy the wonders of nature as much as you want: to walk around the familiar streets and take a stroll down the banks of the lake where the ducks and swans swim.
The thick blankets of snow cannot cover up how much I miss you. On a rare sunny day in winter, I bathed under the sunshine and felt the gentle breeze. On your behalf, I have gone out for a stroll again and again. My eagerness towards reunion grows stronger and stronger as time passes and what accompanies me as my shadow does is the feeling of how much I miss you.
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